Sigh, the past few daays totally sucked. Its like all my emotional trauma suddenly caught up and i'm so annoyed with so many things, and like there were lots of depressing things too ><. And I kinda realised that in our lives, some things are really really really hard to endure and bear. And you just feel like you wanna explode and kill everyone next to you, or like you feel like you are a supergiganticblackhole which you just shovel all your problems, feelings and stuff into, so you dont have to deal with it. Budden one day it just can't fit anymore and everything just spews out like a clogged toilet.
Work is kinda going on quite slowly too, since I'm too preoccupied emoing and doing other things to distract me from emoing, which of course eats up a lot of time. Also, I realised that being jealous about what other people seem to have just totally kills you inside, since you know you won't ever get something like that and like reality is just worse than you can imagine. So like you end up hoping for what you won't get....and you feel crappy cuz of that. Ahh wells. Lifes like that...
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Random Thoughts IX
Hmm, I guess one think I have come to realise is that there is always a tendency for someone to remain "emo", or rather in a self-defeating manner. It seems like theres a need to feel like "The world hates me! And guess what? Its mutual!", and thus leaving us in our fantasies of being the "tragic hero", making us feel "better" about ourselves. But most often it just keeps us stuck in the vicious cycle of self-loathing, unhappiness and loneliness. Oh well.
But of course there are times when we SHOULD be emo, or depressed, or sad, or whatever you call those negative feelings that seem to originate from the heart rather than the head, for example when loved ones pass away, when the heart seems irreversibly broken, and so on. But otherwise....yeah, it just seems like we are simply trying to portray ourselves as the grossly misunderstood, hence gaining "sympathy points" from others.
Hence, yes, I guess I should strive to be slightly happier? Perhaps a multiplier or accelerator effect will kick in...hmm, I wonder.
But of course there are times when we SHOULD be emo, or depressed, or sad, or whatever you call those negative feelings that seem to originate from the heart rather than the head, for example when loved ones pass away, when the heart seems irreversibly broken, and so on. But otherwise....yeah, it just seems like we are simply trying to portray ourselves as the grossly misunderstood, hence gaining "sympathy points" from others.
Hence, yes, I guess I should strive to be slightly happier? Perhaps a multiplier or accelerator effect will kick in...hmm, I wonder.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Random Thoughts VIII
Lol, I was kinda reading blogs, and was thinking about random things as usual, so oh well, here goes.
Mm, I suppose is really nice seeing how people are trying to do better in life, like be a person better then what they currently are, or like just work to do the best you can with your own life and all, but sigh, I guess it's never ever easy, and like it always takes an effort to be something or someone that you are not (or at least not currently). I guess it's kinda annoying and like very frustrating, cuz like people just don't really see what you are trying to achieve, and like just try to sabotage or put you down, which totally sucks.
But then again, no reason not to keep trying ehh.
Next was how people really really need others around them. Like, I guess I never really thought the saying that "no man is an island" had any truth in it, but like I guess I have slowly come to realise that the best and most successful people in life do not just merely have that personal "push" factor, like the personal drive, determination, and whatever, but I think that the people you get to know and spend time with really makes a big difference!
And its definitely nice to know like once in a while that you're not actually alone in this cold miserable world with its inhabitants with crooked smiles which probably aren't even genuine at all. Hmm, oh well.
Mm, I suppose is really nice seeing how people are trying to do better in life, like be a person better then what they currently are, or like just work to do the best you can with your own life and all, but sigh, I guess it's never ever easy, and like it always takes an effort to be something or someone that you are not (or at least not currently). I guess it's kinda annoying and like very frustrating, cuz like people just don't really see what you are trying to achieve, and like just try to sabotage or put you down, which totally sucks.
But then again, no reason not to keep trying ehh.
Next was how people really really need others around them. Like, I guess I never really thought the saying that "no man is an island" had any truth in it, but like I guess I have slowly come to realise that the best and most successful people in life do not just merely have that personal "push" factor, like the personal drive, determination, and whatever, but I think that the people you get to know and spend time with really makes a big difference!
And its definitely nice to know like once in a while that you're not actually alone in this cold miserable world with its inhabitants with crooked smiles which probably aren't even genuine at all. Hmm, oh well.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Random Thoughts VII
Why can't I rid myself of my inhibitions? Why is the world so large? Why do people kill each other? Why do we go back on promises? Why do we make empty promises? Why do we even promise at all? Why does the heart hurt when one is sad? Why can't fishes breathe on land? Why does the Earth spin? Why does the heart stop? Why do we feel jealous?
Why doesn't nerve cells grow back? Why do people go hungry? Why are people so dense? Why do ants build better communities which people fail to do? Why do people only talk, when obviously it won't work out? Why do we hold meetings when its proceedings are forgotten in an instant? Why are people blinded by pride?
Why is the heart willing, but the flesh weak? Why do we forget? Why do we exist? Why do we think? Why sometimes we stop to smell the flowers and others we rush to no end? Why is there success and failure when it isn't always clear cut? Why do we desire to be recognized, yet fearing that once we are, we might fall?
Why do we blindly persue what we do not need? Why do we hurt so bad when our love has gone away? Why are we afraid of failing, when we havn't even tried? Why do we only appreciate what we have, when it has gone away? Why do we say the things we say, and do the things we do? Why do we put our trust in the things that don't matter?
So many questions, so little answers.....
Why doesn't nerve cells grow back? Why do people go hungry? Why are people so dense? Why do ants build better communities which people fail to do? Why do people only talk, when obviously it won't work out? Why do we hold meetings when its proceedings are forgotten in an instant? Why are people blinded by pride?
Why is the heart willing, but the flesh weak? Why do we forget? Why do we exist? Why do we think? Why sometimes we stop to smell the flowers and others we rush to no end? Why is there success and failure when it isn't always clear cut? Why do we desire to be recognized, yet fearing that once we are, we might fall?
Why do we blindly persue what we do not need? Why do we hurt so bad when our love has gone away? Why are we afraid of failing, when we havn't even tried? Why do we only appreciate what we have, when it has gone away? Why do we say the things we say, and do the things we do? Why do we put our trust in the things that don't matter?
So many questions, so little answers.....
Life Update V
Lol, and took me so long to get back here. But then again, it's the life of a student ehh? Like having not enough time to do a lot, or at least not enough time to do what one wants to do...
Anyways, did SATs on Sat, and guess it was kinda okay lah. Trying not to expect too much, so if i happen to do well then it'll be a really pleasent surprise. Also, school is kinda getting boring le... like first 3 weeks was all "yay yay we get to see everyone again! school is so fun to go to! yeah, let's all pwn A lvls!" but by now is like, getting bogged down by the mountains of work. Unfinishable, and like totally annoying to try and clear. I mean like, yeah, giving just enough for you to do is okay lah, but like sometimes when an annoying topic or subjeect comes up, then the amount of momentum needed to get starting is crazy. Thus we all need to find out how to overcome our own inertia! (And i'm not even a physics kid lol)
But at least other stuff is happening, and yeah, it's kinda nice spending some time with some people (though there's never enough of it!).
Anyways, did SATs on Sat, and guess it was kinda okay lah. Trying not to expect too much, so if i happen to do well then it'll be a really pleasent surprise. Also, school is kinda getting boring le... like first 3 weeks was all "yay yay we get to see everyone again! school is so fun to go to! yeah, let's all pwn A lvls!" but by now is like, getting bogged down by the mountains of work. Unfinishable, and like totally annoying to try and clear. I mean like, yeah, giving just enough for you to do is okay lah, but like sometimes when an annoying topic or subjeect comes up, then the amount of momentum needed to get starting is crazy. Thus we all need to find out how to overcome our own inertia! (And i'm not even a physics kid lol)
But at least other stuff is happening, and yeah, it's kinda nice spending some time with some people (though there's never enough of it!).
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Life update IV
Mm, yeah, anyway today was our open house! yay!
But go back to yesterday first. It was bio-test day, and yeah, I didn't have time to study for that one, and I'm kinda sure I screwed up super badly! I was just smoking through qn 1, hoping that my "common sense" would get me some marks lol. 2nd qn was slightly more common sense/easier to recall stuff, so yeah, think 2nd qn was okay, unless I misunderstood it. Yeah. But sorry daniel, get an A? I don't think so >.<
Anyways, get back to today. Mm, yeah yeah for those who know bout me and chorale performance today, good for you. For those who don't, ionno, try to see where I'm coming from, I guess.
So here goes. I think maybe we start getting kinda complacent when he isn't around, so like yeah, the standard isn't really there? I mean truthfully, do we think that if he had conducted us and like taken the pracs we would have the current standard? Yeah, I guess its granted that most of the audience won't be able to hear our mistakes, and like think its totally wonderful and fabulous.
But personally, I don't think that that is an excuse for us not to deliver, right? I mean like, being in a music CCA, aren't we first and foremost meant to MAKE MUSIC? Unless we are like, recre-choir or sth, then yeah, we can just all sing for fun larh. But I feel that we really can do waaaaay waaaaay better if we just put in more effort into it!
Also, I kinda think that sometimes we take for granted some things that we do, such as techniques, details, and even mistakes! Like we believe that when we sing, all the techniques will be there, details will appear, and have no mistakes. But the truth is, most of the time on stage, nothing will appear. Details, if not internalised (which mean done a million times over until it happens automatically magically), will just remain as that -- details (like you know that there is a dynamic change there, but when you sing it doesn't happen, or you don't even know the exact dynamic there).
Similarly, all the common mistakes that we seem to repeatedly do, no matter how many times we reherse, or perform, can be taken for granted. Like we get the impression that "we are gonna do it wrongly again anyway, so it doesn't really matter". Like rushing. And breathing points. And even some of the details that "we-think-are-right-but-are-actually-wrong-but-we-don't-know-cuz-we-didn't-bother-checking".
Yeah, I guess it's definitely true that I am guilty of the above sometimes, or even most of the time. But still, I feel that it is a valid point to be raised and to be thought about.
Next, this paragraph is for those who know what I'm talking bout. Mm, yeah I mean it's really nice having loong loong meetings into the night, and enjoying each others companies and stuff, but then again, how much do we remember from our meetings? Do we remember about the part about good influences? Do we just say things that we feel at that time, but after that things remain the same? And are we already at the stage that we feel that we can allow ourselves to distract others? Are we too confident in our own abilities?
Yeah, I guess this is kinda long and emo, but yeah, I think it isn't the first time. And it probably won't be the last, so then what we CAN do, is to constantly remind ourselves. And others. Perhaps then what we can really achieve will astound ourselves, and hopefully even surpass those that have gone before us. But who knows? Who knows?
But go back to yesterday first. It was bio-test day, and yeah, I didn't have time to study for that one, and I'm kinda sure I screwed up super badly! I was just smoking through qn 1, hoping that my "common sense" would get me some marks lol. 2nd qn was slightly more common sense/easier to recall stuff, so yeah, think 2nd qn was okay, unless I misunderstood it. Yeah. But sorry daniel, get an A? I don't think so >.<
Anyways, get back to today. Mm, yeah yeah for those who know bout me and chorale performance today, good for you. For those who don't, ionno, try to see where I'm coming from, I guess.
So here goes. I think maybe we start getting kinda complacent when he isn't around, so like yeah, the standard isn't really there? I mean truthfully, do we think that if he had conducted us and like taken the pracs we would have the current standard? Yeah, I guess its granted that most of the audience won't be able to hear our mistakes, and like think its totally wonderful and fabulous.
But personally, I don't think that that is an excuse for us not to deliver, right? I mean like, being in a music CCA, aren't we first and foremost meant to MAKE MUSIC? Unless we are like, recre-choir or sth, then yeah, we can just all sing for fun larh. But I feel that we really can do waaaaay waaaaay better if we just put in more effort into it!
Also, I kinda think that sometimes we take for granted some things that we do, such as techniques, details, and even mistakes! Like we believe that when we sing, all the techniques will be there, details will appear, and have no mistakes. But the truth is, most of the time on stage, nothing will appear. Details, if not internalised (which mean done a million times over until it happens automatically magically), will just remain as that -- details (like you know that there is a dynamic change there, but when you sing it doesn't happen, or you don't even know the exact dynamic there).
Similarly, all the common mistakes that we seem to repeatedly do, no matter how many times we reherse, or perform, can be taken for granted. Like we get the impression that "we are gonna do it wrongly again anyway, so it doesn't really matter". Like rushing. And breathing points. And even some of the details that "we-think-are-right-but-are-actually-wrong-but-we-don't-know-cuz-we-didn't-bother-checking".
Yeah, I guess it's definitely true that I am guilty of the above sometimes, or even most of the time. But still, I feel that it is a valid point to be raised and to be thought about.
Next, this paragraph is for those who know what I'm talking bout. Mm, yeah I mean it's really nice having loong loong meetings into the night, and enjoying each others companies and stuff, but then again, how much do we remember from our meetings? Do we remember about the part about good influences? Do we just say things that we feel at that time, but after that things remain the same? And are we already at the stage that we feel that we can allow ourselves to distract others? Are we too confident in our own abilities?
Yeah, I guess this is kinda long and emo, but yeah, I think it isn't the first time. And it probably won't be the last, so then what we CAN do, is to constantly remind ourselves. And others. Perhaps then what we can really achieve will astound ourselves, and hopefully even surpass those that have gone before us. But who knows? Who knows?
Monday, January 11, 2010
Random Thoughts VI
Sigh, I know that this blog isn't meant to be like, my emo avenue, or just somewhere to rant and rave, but yeah, sometimes I wonder if everything we do, what exactly do we do it for? Have we slowly become so caught up in the process that we have lost sight of what we had set out to do? What about everything that we "promised" to do? Have they already been broken, as easliy as glass does when someone drops it? Why do we say "okay" when we don't mean it? And why are people so selfish? >.<
Sometimes, do you feel that your life is just living on the sidelines? Just being that not-so-important person, just being the one that people expect to be around constantly, yet pay no attention to, that 'invisible-when-i-don't-need-you-but-visible-when-i-do' kind of person?
Yeah, true, not everyone can be heroes forever, but then again, sidekicks can't stay as sidekicks forever, can they?
Sometimes, do you feel that your life is just living on the sidelines? Just being that not-so-important person, just being the one that people expect to be around constantly, yet pay no attention to, that 'invisible-when-i-don't-need-you-but-visible-when-i-do' kind of person?
Yeah, true, not everyone can be heroes forever, but then again, sidekicks can't stay as sidekicks forever, can they?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
