You Can Take It All Away...

2010-03-17T21:56:00.002+08:00

Sigh, the past few daays totally sucked. Its like all my emotional trauma suddenly caught up and i'm so annoyed with so many things, and like there were lots of depressing things too ><. And I kinda realised that in our lives, some things are really really really hard to endure and bear. And you just feel like you wanna explode and kill everyone next to you, or like you feel like you are a supergiganticblackhole which you just shovel all your problems, feelings and stuff into, so you dont have to deal with it. Budden one day it just can't fit anymore and everything just spews out like a clogged toilet.

Work is kinda going on quite slowly too, since I'm too preoccupied emoing and doing other things to distract me from emoing, which of course eats up a lot of time. Also, I realised that being jealous about what other people seem to have just totally kills you inside, since you know you won't ever get something like that and like reality is just worse than you can imagine. So like you end up hoping for what you won't get....and you feel crappy cuz of that. Ahh wells. Lifes like that...

Random Thoughts IX

2010-03-07T22:06:00.002+08:00

Hmm, I guess one think I have come to realise is that there is always a tendency for someone to remain "emo", or rather in a self-defeating manner. It seems like theres a need to feel like "The world hates me! And guess what? Its mutual!", and thus leaving us in our fantasies of being the "tragic hero", making us feel "better" about ourselves. But most often it just keeps us stuck in the vicious cycle of self-loathing, unhappiness and loneliness. Oh well.

But of course there are times when we SHOULD be emo, or depressed, or sad, or whatever you call those negative feelings that seem to originate from the heart rather than the head, for example when loved ones pass away, when the heart seems irreversibly broken, and so on. But otherwise....yeah, it just seems like we are simply trying to portray ourselves as the grossly misunderstood, hence gaining "sympathy points" from others.

Hence, yes, I guess I should strive to be slightly happier? Perhaps a multiplier or accelerator effect will kick in...hmm, I wonder.

Random Thoughts VIII

2010-03-03T22:42:00.001+08:00

Lol, I was kinda reading blogs, and was thinking about random things as usual, so oh well, here goes.

Mm, I suppose is really nice seeing how people are trying to do better in life, like be a person better then what they currently are, or like just work to do the best you can with your own life and all, but sigh, I guess it's never ever easy, and like it always takes an effort to be something or someone that you are not (or at least not currently). I guess it's kinda annoying and like very frustrating, cuz like people just don't really see what you are trying to achieve, and like just try to sabotage or put you down, which totally sucks.

But then again, no reason not to keep trying ehh.

Next was how people really really need others around them. Like, I guess I never really thought the saying that "no man is an island" had any truth in it, but like I guess I have slowly come to realise that the best and most successful people in life do not just merely have that personal "push" factor, like the personal drive, determination, and whatever, but I think that the people you get to know and spend time with really makes a big difference!

And its definitely nice to know like once in a while that you're not actually alone in this cold miserable world with its inhabitants with crooked smiles which probably aren't even genuine at all. Hmm, oh well.

Random Thoughts VII

2010-01-25T22:52:00.002+08:00

Why can't I rid myself of my inhibitions? Why is the world so large? Why do people kill each other? Why do we go back on promises? Why do we make empty promises? Why do we even promise at all? Why does the heart hurt when one is sad? Why can't fishes breathe on land? Why does the Earth spin? Why does the heart stop? Why do we feel jealous?

Why doesn't nerve cells grow back? Why do people go hungry? Why are people so dense? Why do ants build better communities which people fail to do? Why do people only talk, when obviously it won't work out? Why do we hold meetings when its proceedings are forgotten in an instant? Why are people blinded by pride?

Why is the heart willing, but the flesh weak? Why do we forget? Why do we exist? Why do we think? Why sometimes we stop to smell the flowers and others we rush to no end? Why is there success and failure when it isn't always clear cut? Why do we desire to be recognized, yet fearing that once we are, we might fall?

Why do we blindly persue what we do not need? Why do we hurt so bad when our love has gone away? Why are we afraid of failing, when we havn't even tried? Why do we only appreciate what we have, when it has gone away? Why do we say the things we say, and do the things we do? Why do we put our trust in the things that don't matter?

So many questions, so little answers.....

Life Update V

2010-01-25T20:45:00.003+08:00

Lol, and took me so long to get back here. But then again, it's the life of a student ehh? Like having not enough time to do a lot, or at least not enough time to do what one wants to do...

Anyways, did SATs on Sat, and guess it was kinda okay lah. Trying not to expect too much, so if i happen to do well then it'll be a really pleasent surprise. Also, school is kinda getting boring le... like first 3 weeks was all "yay yay we get to see everyone again! school is so fun to go to! yeah, let's all pwn A lvls!" but by now is like, getting bogged down by the mountains of work. Unfinishable, and like totally annoying to try and clear. I mean like, yeah, giving just enough for you to do is okay lah, but like sometimes when an annoying topic or subjeect comes up, then the amount of momentum needed to get starting is crazy. Thus we all need to find out how to overcome our own inertia! (And i'm not even a physics kid lol)

But at least other stuff is happening, and yeah, it's kinda nice spending some time with some people (though there's never enough of it!).

Life update IV

2010-01-13T20:40:00.002+08:00

Mm, yeah, anyway today was our open house! yay!

But go back to yesterday first. It was bio-test day, and yeah, I didn't have time to study for that one, and I'm kinda sure I screwed up super badly! I was just smoking through qn 1, hoping that my "common sense" would get me some marks lol. 2nd qn was slightly more common sense/easier to recall stuff, so yeah, think 2nd qn was okay, unless I misunderstood it. Yeah. But sorry daniel, get an A? I don't think so >.<

Anyways, get back to today. Mm, yeah yeah for those who know bout me and chorale performance today, good for you. For those who don't, ionno, try to see where I'm coming from, I guess.

So here goes. I think maybe we start getting kinda complacent when he isn't around, so like yeah, the standard isn't really there? I mean truthfully, do we think that if he had conducted us and like taken the pracs we would have the current standard? Yeah, I guess its granted that most of the audience won't be able to hear our mistakes, and like think its totally wonderful and fabulous.

But personally, I don't think that that is an excuse for us not to deliver, right? I mean like, being in a music CCA, aren't we first and foremost meant to MAKE MUSIC? Unless we are like, recre-choir or sth, then yeah, we can just all sing for fun larh. But I feel that we really can do waaaaay waaaaay better if we just put in more effort into it!

Also, I kinda think that sometimes we take for granted some things that we do, such as techniques, details, and even mistakes! Like we believe that when we sing, all the techniques will be there, details will appear, and have no mistakes. But the truth is, most of the time on stage, nothing will appear. Details, if not internalised (which mean done a million times over until it happens automatically magically), will just remain as that -- details (like you know that there is a dynamic change there, but when you sing it doesn't happen, or you don't even know the exact dynamic there).

Similarly, all the common mistakes that we seem to repeatedly do, no matter how many times we reherse, or perform, can be taken for granted. Like we get the impression that "we are gonna do it wrongly again anyway, so it doesn't really matter". Like rushing. And breathing points. And even some of the details that "we-think-are-right-but-are-actually-wrong-but-we-don't-know-cuz-we-didn't-bother-checking".

Yeah, I guess it's definitely true that I am guilty of the above sometimes, or even most of the time. But still, I feel that it is a valid point to be raised and to be thought about.

Next, this paragraph is for those who know what I'm talking bout. Mm, yeah I mean it's really nice having loong loong meetings into the night, and enjoying each others companies and stuff, but then again, how much do we remember from our meetings? Do we remember about the part about good influences? Do we just say things that we feel at that time, but after that things remain the same? And are we already at the stage that we feel that we can allow ourselves to distract others? Are we too confident in our own abilities?

Yeah, I guess this is kinda long and emo, but yeah, I think it isn't the first time. And it probably won't be the last, so then what we CAN do, is to constantly remind ourselves. And others. Perhaps then what we can really achieve will astound ourselves, and hopefully even surpass those that have gone before us. But who knows? Who knows?

Random Thoughts VI

2010-01-11T20:50:00.002+08:00

Sigh, I know that this blog isn't meant to be like, my emo avenue, or just somewhere to rant and rave, but yeah, sometimes I wonder if everything we do, what exactly do we do it for? Have we slowly become so caught up in the process that we have lost sight of what we had set out to do? What about everything that we "promised" to do? Have they already been broken, as easliy as glass does when someone drops it? Why do we say "okay" when we don't mean it? And why are people so selfish? >.<

Sometimes, do you feel that your life is just living on the sidelines? Just being that not-so-important person, just being the one that people expect to be around constantly, yet pay no attention to, that 'invisible-when-i-don't-need-you-but-visible-when-i-do' kind of person?

Yeah, true, not everyone can be heroes forever, but then again, sidekicks can't stay as sidekicks forever, can they?

Random Thoughts V

2010-01-07T22:52:00.002+08:00

RAWR!

Haha, I meant to post like before this, but lotsa stuff came up! Like wanted to post this 2 nights before, but like I was choinging math, and that day I was super tired le (and next day had Chorale!) so gave up and went to sleep.

Anyways, the picnic yest was SUPER FUN! And yay, think I'm slowly starting to warm up to Chorale people lol. Yeah yeah, I still take 1 year to get used to new people, but hey, it's an improvement ya? Haha, so the people who I know are trying to secretly stalk my blog, you know what to do! xD

Yeaps. School is starting. What to do? Dun like, dun want, also must go right? Anyways, I think for now I still haavn't broken my resolutions yet! (which is amazing. it's a record!) But hope I'll continue and pwn A lvls and everything! YEAH!

But still, life has its downs and annoyances, and yeah, they never fail to try and steal your energy, sucking it all up like a delicious bowl of mee. So how do we combat against this energy thief? (Since energy cannot be gained or lost, only stolen!) I guess one of the ways I've found quite useful, is to RANT it all out to someone who listens (or pretends to listen). Or cry it out. Or not. But still, it's good to find your own personal way to steal all the energy back, and you'll be Refreshed! Renewed! Rejuvenated! and ready to take on everything! (Or at least the next minute, before you start freaking out again xD).

But yeah, hope everyone will continue to work hard this year, and JIAYOU FOR EVERYTHING! YAY!

New year's resolutions

2009-12-31T23:49:00.002+08:00

Lol, so it would seem that some loyal members have continued to visit my blog even after my super long hiatus! Freeeaaaky. Anyways, I'm posting this 10 mins before New Year! (as of now). And I guess as people start making their new year resolutions, I should too!

1) I resolve to mug/study/slackless/usemytimemorewisely/domorework in the coming year! Well, duh, seeing that it's A lvl year, I'll be insane if I don't do that.
2) I resolve to talk to more people I don't know/talk more to people I know. (Well, it kinda happens every year naturally, but I guess I want it to be a more concious effort? Wait, it actually already is for a few years now, oh well, still counts, doesn't it?)
3) I resolve to be a better (temp) SL (if I'm chosen lah, since dunno why Mr Toh takes so long to decide/announce! zzZ)
4) I resolve to do BETTER in school! (Like get dean's list, but yeah right like real i'll get)
5) I resolve to get at least a SILVER in napfa next year. Well, at least so that I dun need to go to hell early. xD
6) I resolve to exercise more! (Its needed for no.5)
7) I resolve to practice piano more. (At least to pass dip lor, but aiya ionno, sometimes it's like, I lose steam, then no more motivation to practice)
8) I resolve to love my class+chorale more more more! (And of course talk to ppl more lah!)
9) I resolve to break all my new year resolutions! (Since most are kinda impossible anyway, and takes too much effort to maintain, and breaks are needed, right?)

Yeah, so for all the ppl who are expectantly waiting for my post, here it is xD. BTW HAPPY NEW YEAR! 12pm xDDD

Look at the crowds!

2009-11-25T21:47:00.002+08:00

Hmm, was kinda reading through Sean's blog, and thought that maybe i'll start posting about things that randomly pop up iin my mind, and have like some significance and/or importance to me...

Anyways, sigh, kinda agree with him about crowds lah. Like, hating crowds. But maybe I hate them for a different reason? Ionno. Sometimes when theres a big crowd of people, it just feels....oppressive. Suffocating. Like theres just no personal space, no way to hear your own thoughts, and it feels kinda like losing your identity... Its like how theres no "I" in a crowd, only "us" or "them". And I feel that it's cuz of that people start losing their minds... Like everyone starts reverting to their "herd mentality", and when one person does a stupid thing, the rest somehow are all brainless and start to follow... But what can I say? Guess I'm guilty of that once in a while too.

Guess another reason is just cuz of my own personality? Haha, like, I guess I'm just predisposed not to like interacting in like super large social settings where got lots of people one, and like I guess I really do prefer interacting in a super small group setting...but guess if you're reading this you already know that x]. But yeah, I'm still trying to break out of this nice little shell I've got, and though i've kinda been at it for quite long, guess it's slowly but surely tumbling down! So yeah, but guess it would be nice sometimes for others to give a little help, but oh well, can't always expect it, can I?

Life update III

2009-10-18T22:06:00.002+08:00

Hey! It's been a while x]

Anyways, exams are like, waay over! haha, but I guess now everyone is just choinging and preparing for PW... sigh, the dreaded PW...

But the main point of this post was kinda to talk about some stuff lor. Yeah, basically why people tend to assume the worst in others, how people jump to conclusions very quickly, and how people get defensive when they are accused of doing anything wrong. I guess we can always just attribute it to human nature and like, how we are just "born like that". But sometimes I think it's also the way we were brought up, and like the environmental factors that could give the right push, such that the person starts doubting others and finds it hard to trust anyone else...

I mean like, everyone really has their own thoughts and perceptions about what's right, and what's wrong, so who are we to judge who's more right or more wrong? Think that no perceptions are more correct than others (or at least, that's not up to us to judge...let God be the only judge!). Thus if anyone "accuses" us, we tend to think that we are more correct, to defend our actions and the way we do things or the way we behave. But sometimes I guess we really have to look critically at ourselves, since I think our own perceptions of ourselves are really clouded by our own preconceptions, and thus are blind to our own faults.

Thus, it takes a true friend to point them out x].

Random Thoughts IV

2009-10-06T19:36:00.003+08:00

Gah, haha in the end I just can't blog everyday ><. Not that I don't have enough things that I do learn everyday, but its just...sometimes in all the busyness and stuff, just don't have a chance to blog lor.

Anyway, tomorrow is the last paper! Haha, time kinda passes quickly, doesn't it? Oh well, I suppose time is running out....and every second that passes brings me closer to You...

Rawr! Today is the worse day of my life >< gah. But nevermind that....haha. Guess sometimes there are more important things to life, and whenever we get down, the only way left is up, right?

Random Thoughts III

2009-10-02T22:32:00.003+08:00

Heh, havn't been updating this really regularly x]. But then again, no loyal readers who still check my blog! yay!

Anyways, exams are here! And obviously I havn't been doing well Dx. Oh wells, what to expect? Will (try to) work harder from now on though! (YEAH!)

Haha, one thing I kinda learnt about life is that sometimes it's really up to us to make our lives more meaningful? I mean like it's only if we actively try to spice up our lives then we can make it more enjoyable and stuff right? There's always people complaining how "life sucks" or "life's so boring", but are they doing anything to make it interesting themselves?

So then, was thinking how bout I start trying to write something new that I learnt/did for every single day for the next 1 month? Haha, see if I can keep it up x].

So then, one thing that I have learnt today is how after a certain number of hours of doing work requiring super high mental ability, any more time spent is kinda wasted until the mind gets a rest. (I.e. total of 2 hrs 40 mins for econs, followed by another 3 hrs of chinese can KILL a person. Or at least make him wanna gourge out his eyes and chop off his arm >.<).

Till tomorrow!

Random Thoughts II

2009-09-23T18:07:00.002+08:00

You never really appreciate something till its gone.

And, as usual, we all probably have heard this before, time and time again, over and over again. But, as we all know, just having the knowledge of something is useless unless we really start to actively learn how to apply it. In all aspects of our life. And really learn to let it be such a close part of us such that no matter what, under any circumstances, we can apply it subconciously. But how many of us really do that ehh?

Random Thoughts

2009-09-16T22:26:00.003+08:00

Hmm, was just thinking how cool it is that some people seem to be able to blog about things that are actually remotely interesting to read and think about, while others are just superficially blogging about things like fashion, what they bought and so on, and its a great pasttime wondering whether some people actually have brains to think about more useful and fulfilling things like the meaning of life, or stuff like that. Thats not to say that I spend all my time thinking about (emo-sounding) things like social problems and so on, but please, think about them once in a while!

Anyway, promos are coming in less than 2 weeks! Exciting ehh? Sigh, actually I really havn't been catching up on my work and all, so yeah, you could say i'm somewhat screwed x[. But anyway, there's waaay more to life than grades and work right? And anyway, this is just one teeny tiny portion of my life, and just comparing this time to a fraction of eternity, this is really nothing.

Hmm, someone said that I think too much. But then again, not thinking can make a person lose his "inner self", or so I believe. Think it's always a good thing to take some time to reflect on things that people say or do in your life, and try to learn from them! I admit that somehow the start of this year, my brain was really turned off or something, and I stopped thinking about such kind of stuff in my life. Then I realised that although I was "happy", I was actually caught up with the busyness of life and stopped thinking about things like how people are changing, or like some imperfections about myself that I could work to solve, or at least improve.

Maybe it was the new school setting, then people would not want to offend others by pointint out their flaws, but somehow I think that itself is one of the major flaws in Singapore's culture and education system. It's like how we don't really dare to speak up in public, for fear of "losing face" or like afraid to "hurt people". But in place of that, we thus lose a lot of exchanging of ideas, and lack of good communication skills and other problems appear, which is ultimately not benifical to society, right?

But think maybe the whole scene in Singapore is changing, with more people starting so speak up and speak out about their own ideals and beliefs, which is a good thing. However, the change seems to crawl along really slowly.

Oh well, but in the end, what really matters? I guess it's really up to the individual to figure out, like what is more important in their life lor. The material possesions that everyone aims to have, or the intangibles that are so abstract that one can only clutch at it, hoping that something has been grasp...

Life update II

2009-09-09T22:13:00.004+08:00

Sigh, promos are coming! And what AM I doing? zzZ.

RAWR didn't wanna make my blog into some emo rant place where I talk about all the crap and stuff in my life, but sigh, once in a while is fine right?

Anyways, sometimes I just piss myself off immensly. Its like, how I always do the things that I should not do, and not do the things that I do. And its infuriating how sometimes the heart is so separate from the mind, and sometimes you just want one side to shut up, but obviously fate is cruel, and life unfair, so the result is kinda predictable, and you fall into like, some spiral of doom or something. And you end up hating yourself for that.

And yeah, yeah. Sometimes you just know a lot of things, but somehow you really can't apply them. It's like, you know what's right, and what's wrong, but somehow the flesh is weak, and end up doing all the wrong things. For the wrong reasons. And after that, you become super regretful, and almost swear never to do it again. Yet somehow it creeps up slowly, and like engulfs you whole. And you end up hating yourself for that.

And other times, you do know that He's always there for you, but it's like, you're half blind or something, and really just can't see Him. And it kinda stretchs your Faith a lot. Like A LOT. And people stumble, people fall, but who'll be there to pick them up? Hopefully friends will be around, to provide support, to help when you fall. But again, I suppose sometimes you really do walk alone? Well, as in not exactly alone, cuz He's there, but like, alone as in physically alone...which makes some people kinda lonely. And those kind of feelings aren't very good to habour. For too long, that is. It's kinda like, an infected wound, when left too long will fester, and like, kill the whole body...

Oh well, pray the doctor will come and help me soon....

Life update

2009-09-03T20:12:00.002+08:00

Hey!

Haha, my EOM went not bad I think. Kinda proud of the work I did! (Which is kinda rare haha, cuz usually I end up screwing up everything I do =.=)

Anyway, lately we all have been really really busy and stuff haha, and luckily my emotions have been giving me a break (I.e. I don't feel emo or sad or angry or whatever haha). So kinda happy lor. But suppose I'm starting to feel the stress already...its like, I don't FEEL like working, but no choice, cuz of the stupid promos, which is like a nightmare. Plus WR is due on 2nd week of term 4, which is INSANE! As though we don't have enough to do...

Think I'll screw up quite a lot leh, havn't really had time to revise a lot...especially the semester 1 work. At least semester 2 work I had like, actively tried to catch up, so its way better lor, but I wish I could say the same for sem 1 work ><.

So then, kinda taking a break now from studying (heh, it's obvious, ain't it? If not I wouldn't even be here blogging x]). Trying some motivation system by allowing myself to watch 8 Simple Rules on YouTube after doing a certain amount of work. Haha, I love those vids man! Haha, maybe I kinda can relate to them? Heh.

Yeah, so anyway, times about up, time to get back to mugging! Seeya soon!

learning to walk with Him

2009-08-26T19:59:00.003+08:00

Haha, just realised the retardedness of my last post's title. Anyway, had bio spa today, which was do-able lah, but maybe I screwed up a bit. Oh well. Ain't gonna divulge any other info though x].

So then, what else is happening? Managed to finish EoM yesterday, which was kinda super exciting for me, since like, I was damn proud when I finished. Although I bet got a lot of things to improve and stuff....And maybe the points I gave were super repetitive and like kinda superficial? Oh well, I don't know.

Besides school and the more common and boring stuff, guess I've been quite well. But still praying to learn to grow closer to Him... Sometimes its like, either lost in the whole academic focus thing, like with everything going on at the same time, then start to forget who's REALLY in charge of everything haha. That's why maybe I still struggle with issues like these? But suppose everyone goes through it sometime or another, but usually they come out for the better.

Anyway, guess that everything that I do, I should be doing it for His glory, and not for any personal gain...and guess its also like, a daily thing that we struggle with. So, gonna pray for Him to help, cuz with Him, all things are possible x].

Yeaps, thats all for today!

cupping when i'm supposed to be mugging

2009-08-25T20:08:00.003+08:00

Hmm, was thinking that theres so much improvements that can be made to blogger and stuff but I suppose maybe Google just wants to leave it like that >.<. Its like, urg, me trying to customize this blog and stuff is equivalent to me walking to the moon and back...which does say a lot, doesn't it? x]

Anyways, kinda figured that if I screw up my promos, I probably deserve it. Still no motivation to study! Like it's so zzZ lor! Anyway, hopefully studying with some people might help, but definitely no small groups (3's a crowd!), or I won't ever pay attention with all the blah blah blah around me. Oh well, I guess I really DO need to start, as a friend kindly reminded me that mugging for one chapter a day, you still won't be able to finish all the subjects. How bout 10 chapters a day ehh?

So yeah well, I really should go, and there isn't much happening in my life right now anyways, so why bother wasting time reading other people's blogs when you should be mugging right now ehh?

Shoo!

Starting on a new clean slate x]

2009-08-24T21:44:00.002+08:00

Haha, I figured that the old emo self was waaaay over. Obviously not meaning that I don't exactly have like times where I feel down and crappy and totally suicidal haha, but that aside, I figured that the past is unrepresentative of the present! I mean like, I suppose life's worth living more than we can ever imagine x].

Oh by the way, I just KNOW you're still thinking about the suicidal thing heh. But its not a problem haha, I mean.... well I suppose God has taken care of that x]. Like no way in this life am I gonna let Him down and give up and kill myself man! There's just no way! So shoo, stop thinking bout it! xD

But yeah, why the sudden urge to blog, you might ask. Well, every new day brings a new thought and new feelings, new knowledge, new experiences. So I suppose the same goes for blogs? Haha, not making any sense xP.

Hmm, but I suppose this is yet another attempt to make something that is both public, yet private, open, yet closed, thoughtful, yet free (which kinda doesn't really make sense anyway haha). So, who knows? Everything's worth a try yeah?

Anyway, ain't gonna publicize this heh. Since I suppose I don't want to attract people to read, just for the sake of attracting people to read. Anyway, heh I suppose my friends will find my blog sooner or later, and they can do the publicizing for me ehh? x] (yes that's right. YOU xD)

So then, with exams round the corner and people becoming crazy, I shall too return to slogging my way through what is known as EoM, aka evil reincarnate! And hopefully some good would come of it x].

And yes, you have a nice day too!